What Do You Do When You Feel Lost in Life?

When you feel lost in life, try writing your situation down as if it were a story. Put down where you are, how you got here and one choice you can make this week. Psychologists who study life stories have found that people who tell theirs as the person making the choices tend to report better mental health.

A notebook won't fix everything, though. Sometimes feeling lost is a sign of something that needs a professional, and there's a section on that further down.

The story you tell about your life is part of who you are

Psychologists have a name for the story you carry around about your own life. They call it narrative identity. Dan McAdams and Kate McLean define it as "a person's internalized and evolving life story, integrating the reconstructed past and imagined future to provide life with some degree of unity and purpose."

In a 2013 review of the research, they reported that people who "find redemptive meanings in suffering and adversity," and whose stories "feature themes of personal agency and exploration," tend to report higher well-being and better mental health. What that shows is a connection between the way people tell their lives and how well they're doing. It doesn't show that retelling your story will make you feel better.

Part of the trouble with feeling lost, though, is the story itself. Your past doesn't seem to be heading anywhere, and when you try to picture the future, nothing comes. The exercises below work on that part.

Three short writing exercises to get your bearings back

You don't need to be a good writer for these, and you don't need a special notebook. None of them runs past a page. Do them in order, with a day or two between them if you like.

Write down where you are now

Begin with the facts and how you honestly feel about them. What's going on and what isn't. What you're afraid of. Psychologists have a dry name for this, experimental disclosure, and it's been studied heavily. In 2006, Joanne Frattaroli combined 146 randomized studies in a meta-analysis and found a positive, significant effect.

The effect was small. The average effect size (r) was .075, so the most you should hope for is a little more clarity. The real point is to get the story out of your head, where it goes around in circles. On paper, you can see it.

Look at what came after the hard part

Go back through your page and pick one difficult period from your past. Then write about what happened next.

McAdams and his colleagues published a study in 2001 on two patterns in the way people tell their lives. In a redemption sequence, something bad leads to something good. In a contamination sequence, something good gets spoiled. People whose stories had redemption sequences reported higher well-being. Among the midlife adults in the study, contamination sequences predicted low well-being.

Don't give a hard stretch a happy ending it didn't have. The question is whether anything useful came out of it, like a skill, a friendship or a limit you learned to set. If nothing did, let it go and try another period.

Retell one moment as the person who chose

Now return to the page from the first exercise. Look for sentences where things simply happen to you, like "the job fell through" or "I ended up here." Take one and rewrite it around a decision, either one you made or one that's still open to you.

The research behind this exercise is the most striking of the three. Jonathan Adler followed 47 adults through psychotherapy and collected nearly 600 written narratives from them across 12 assessment points. Over that time, the theme of agency grew in their stories, and it grew before their mental health improved.

Everyone in that study was in therapy, so it can't tell us whether writing on your own has the same effect. What it gives you is a moment to watch for, when you start describing yourself as someone who makes choices.

When feeling lost might be depression

Being lost can feel a lot like being depressed. The National Institute of Mental Health lists persistent sad, anxious, or empty' mood and feelings of hopelessness or pessimism as signs of depression. And a diagnosis needs symptoms "most of the day, nearly every day, for at least 2 weeks."

When that sounds like you, the next step NIMH recommends is to "talk to a health care provider, such as a primary care doctor, psychologist, or psychiatrist." In the US there's also 988. Call or text it to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, which the Lifeline says is for "emotional distress" as well, or for when you "just need someone to talk to." It isn't reserved for suicidal thoughts. In other countries, use your local emergency number or crisis line.

Start with one page tonight

Before bed tonight, do the first exercise and stop at one page. Don't read it back until morning, and save the other two for later in the week. If you'd rather not sort through it alone, Karen Miller Jick offers what she calls "a private, compassionate space where your story is heard without judgment." Start with a free 30-minute phone or video consultation.

FAQs

What does it mean when you feel lost?

There's no clinical definition. It's an everyday phrase that covers a lot of ground. For most people it means losing the thread between today and where they're going, or losing sight of where that is. When it comes with the depression signs listed above, treat it as possible depression and take it seriously.

Is it normal to feel lost in your 20s or 30s?

Plenty of people feel it, judging by how much advice exists on the subject. What we couldn't find was a reliable figure for how many people feel lost at any particular age. The life-story research offers one small comfort. McAdams and McLean describe a life story as "evolving," so it isn't supposed to stay the same.

How long does feeling lost last?

We couldn't find a published timeline, and it varies too much from person to person to guess. Watch instead for whether it's getting heavier. If the signs listed above have gone on for two weeks, don't wait for it to pass.

Should I make major life changes when I feel lost?

Probably not right away. Jennifer Belus, in a piece for Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, recommends beginning with one or two small actions tied to what you care about and building from there. They'll also give you something new to write about.

Can therapy help me find direction?

It can. The strongest evidence in this article, Adler's study, comes from people in therapy. And NIMH's guidance on supporting someone with depression includes this reminder: "with time and treatment, their depression can lift."